012节 流沙河收编沙悟净
笔趣阁(biquge321.com)更新快，无弹窗！
脚下随意散落着几颗瓜子壳，身旁摆放着一个精致的竹篮，篮上赫然写着“天庭外卖”几个字，里面放着几杯仙气袅袅的奶茶，显得格外惬意。篮子上还贴着一张二维码，写着“扫码好评送功德+1，累计10次可兑换嫦娥姐姐的签名照”。见悟空火急火燎地来，观音微微一笑，缓缓坐直身子，说道：“哟，是被流沙河的‘卷帘门’保安给拦住了吧？听说你金箍棒都打折了三次？这河妖倒是个硬茬子，连你这泼猴都拿他没办法？我看你那筋斗云都快把东海的浪头掀翻了，龙王刚才还来我这投诉，说你扰了他的水晶宫午睡呢！他特意送了份‘噪音污染投诉书’，说要扣你今年的‘东海观光券’！”悟空抓耳挠腮，噼里啪啦倒苦水：“那厮在水里跟俺捉迷藏，俺这火眼金睛都瞅不见他影子！菩萨，您快给俺开个‘水下GPS定位符’！再不济，借俺个‘龙王三太子同款潜水镜’也行啊！听说那镜子还能美颜，把俺这猴脸修得俊俏些，省得师父总嫌俺长得磕碜！对了，您这奶茶铺新出的‘蟠桃甘露’咋样？给俺来十杯，俺拿去给师父当‘团队下午茶’，顺便在朋友圈炫耀，让那些土地公羡慕嫉妒恨！”观音扑哧一笑，摆摆手：“那厮原是玉帝的卷帘大将，打碎琉璃盏被贬成河妖，如今是我安排的‘取经接待员’，估计没认出来，才跟你们打擂台。这厮呆头呆脑的，定是把你们当闯关玩家了！前几日还跟我抱怨，说取经团队迟迟不来，他都快在河里憋出‘河鲜抑郁症’了！天天在河里数自己掉的鳞片，说要攒够一千片兑换天庭的‘带薪休假券’，还开了个‘鳞片兑换商店’，专门用鳞片换凡间的海鲜干货，最近正跟东海龙王谈判，要开通‘跨海快递业务’呢！”说着掏出一个红葫芦——看着像某宝9.9包邮还送三包瓜子的货，上面还印着“观音特制”四个烫金小字，旁边还贴了个二维码，写着“扫码领功德+1”——递给木叉：“去，把人喊上来，别让取经团卡在这儿打水漂。再迟些，唐僧该念紧箍咒催我了！对了，跟他说，再迟到连工号都要注销，年终奖也别想领了！还有，让他把流沙河的卫生打扫干净，天庭环保署最近在检查水质，要是发现他乱扔鳞片，加倍扣绩效！另外，他那‘鳞片兑换商店’的营业执照该年审了，让他赶紧补材料，不然直接查封！”
（本章未完，请点击下一页继续阅读）012节流沙河收编沙悟净(第2/2页)
木叉扛着葫芦飞到河上空，中气十足地喊：“沙悟净！沙师弟！取经的老板和同事都到齐了，再潜水就扣你年终奖啦！菩萨说，再迟到连工号都要注销，下个月发工资可没你的份儿！还有，天庭HR刚发了邮件，要求河妖必须持证上岗，你的‘水族上岗证’该年审了，再不交材料，直接吊销！对了，你那‘鳞片兑换商店’的税务报表也得补交，财神爷说再拖就收滞纳金了！”河面“咕嘟咕嘟”冒泡，沙僧“哗啦”钻出来，头发乱得像鸡窝，脖子上挂着九颗骷髅头，活像戴了串“限量版佛珠”，水珠顺着他破破烂烂的衣襟往下滴，活脱脱一个刚从水里捞出来的落汤鸡。一见唐僧和悟空，又瞅见木叉手里的红葫芦，恍然大悟：“哎呀妈呀！原来是组织派来的！菩萨早说过让我等师父…可我天天蹲河里数骷髅头，眼神都练成‘水中望远镜’了！方才那猴头在岸上喊打喊杀，我还当是哪个缺德妖怪来抢地盘呢！对了，木叉师兄，这红葫芦…是菩萨给的KPI考核器吧？俺要是划船划得不好，会不会被扣分？还有，那二维码能扫出功德吗？俺最近功德值不够，兑换不了‘避水符咒加强版’了！听说最近天庭推出了‘功德分期付款’业务，俺想申请个‘功德白条’，先欠着，等攒够鳞片再还！”他手忙脚乱地整理破衣烂衫，胡乱抹了把脸，扑通跪在唐僧面前：“师父！弟子沙悟净，给您磕头啦——磕三个！够不够？不够再加俩！这红葫芦…能不能当保温杯用？河里太冷，俺想泡点枸杞茶。要是能连WiFi就更好了，俺可以刷天庭的‘朋友圈’解闷，看看嫦娥姐姐有没有更新跳舞视频！对了，师父，咱们这取经团队有‘弹性工作制’吗？俺这河里上班，有时候浪大，能不能申请居家办公？”
唐僧笑眯眯扶起他，伸手摘下那串骷髅项链，动作娴熟得像摘葡萄，嘴里还念叨着：“阿弥陀佛，这串珠子倒是个稀罕物，待会儿让悟空给你穿根红绳，保准比你挂在脖子上体面。说不定还能当‘佛系手串’卖到凡间，挣点外快贴补路费。这红绳嘛…就用俺袈裟上拆下来的金线，既显档次，又能防小偷，毕竟这金线绣了梵文，小偷一碰就触发警报咒语！”又从木叉手里抢过红葫芦，往骷髅中间一挂，嘴里念念有词：“嘛哩嘛哩哄——变变变！急急如律令，骷髅变船，河妖变苦力！再变个船桨出来，省得沙师弟用手划，累坏了可怎么搬行李？对了，船头再装个‘自动避浪雷达’，免得遇到漩涡还要手动操作！另外，船底贴个‘防漏水符咒’，省得八戒那吃货把船压沉
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